My resume is extensive, and, if I may humbly say so, impressive.
No, not my work resume (though I am proud of that). My parenting resume. Ahhh. Now your wheels are turning.
Think about it. Think about all the hats we parents wear on a daily basis. It is overwhelming, challenging, and, sometimes, fun. Obviously there is a different application process for becoming a parent, but imagine if you had to submit a resume. Here are some imaginary entries that most parents can identify with:
Chief Executive Monster Destroyer
Assistant Lunch Distributor
Co Director of Toddler Activities
Master of Ceremonies and Tea Parties.
Sick Day Supervisor
Finder of Lost Toys
Toy Repair Technician
Taster of Foods
Independent Home Rehabilitator
Crayon Organization Consultant
Chief Tub Supervisor
Public Relations Officer
Conflict Resolution Advisor
1st 2nd and 3rd Shift Supervisor
Chief Nap Consultant
Chief Hug and Kiss Officer
Ability to use restroom while rocking sick baby.
Able to leap over mounds of Legos in a single bound.
Expert catcher of projectile vomit in vehicles.
Can sleep with one eye open.
Can sing, rock, sway, and do dishes.
Able to identify the difference between Cookie Monster and Grover from Sesame Street.
Able to read stories in thematic voices. Repeatedly.
Achieved the successful watching of the same Disney film 30 times.
Has eyes in the back of head.
Can hear and smell danger a mile away.
Able to disguise vegetables and fruits as food.
Can operate on 2 hours interrupted sleep.
Runs on lukewarm coffee.
Can read books upside down in the dark – with a British accent.
Can do the new math.
Able to color inside the lines.
Can navigate roads while listening to Let it Go for the 50th time.
Namer of children.
And that’s just what I thought of while brewing the coffee. What would parental resumes look like?
That’s all I’ve got for now…Captain Out.